Lesson 7 of 11
Conflict
Our first big conflict
When we were first married, before we learned about conflict resolution techniques, we had a huge marital conflict — I enjoyed smoking marijuana and Linda hated my vice. A few years later we had a weird resolution to our conflict.
I was teaching elementary school at the time. One day on the playground, a number of my previous students surrounded me. They told me about two classmates who had gotten hold of a book of witchcraft spells.
They read one of the spells and somehow used it. Then they developed what I later knew to be demonic possession. Terrible things began to happen to them. For instance, a demon told one of them to kill her friend Nancy and cut her up into little pieces.
A few days later, one of those girls was in my science lab. At one point she approached me with a red face. She was unable to speak. I’ve never seen such a look of terror on someone’s face before or since.
I knew that one of the demons had visited her. In her science scribbler she wrote, “I’m burning.” I splashed water on her face and she began to write.
She wrote that her classmates should show me a particular house across the street. She had looked through the picture window and seen wolves on their hind legs along with other evil creatures.
At recess I phoned Linda to tell her the situation. She phoned a Christian friend who told her that I should phone him. He told me to get together with the student after school and they would be praying for me.
Following his instructions, I drove the student and her friend into a field where the friend and I both told the demon to get out.
Apparently the demon left. The girl never had any such experiences again.
(This happened in the 1970s. In today’s society, I probably would have got fired.)
Some time passed and I was visiting with friends. The wife just happened to say that, when a person was stoned on marijuana, they can pick up any demon that happens to be floating around.
I quit smoking marijuana immediately. Sometimes God answers Linda’s prayers in a totally unexpected way.
Conflict does not mean your marriage is failing.
It often means something needs tender loving care. When couples learn how to repair hurt with honesty, humility, and calm conversation, conflict becomes a doorway back to trust instead of a wall between them.
Why is conflict important in marriage?
Conflict is important in marriage because it reveals where hurt, misunderstanding, or unmet needs exist. When couples address conflict with calm truth, listening, and repair, emotional safety grows stronger. Healthy conflict resolution does not weaken a relationship — it deepens connection.
Conflict is normal. Repair is what matters most.
Hurt that is hidden usually grows. Hurt that is repaired can heal.
The goal is not to avoid every disagreement. The goal is to return to closeness well.
When couples feel far apart, it often sounds like this
These are not signs that love is gone. They are signs that repair is needed.
“We keep hurting each other.”
Even loving couples can say the wrong thing, react defensively, or miss what the other person is feeling.
“We never really resolve it.”
Unspoken pain often becomes distance, resentment, or emotional withdrawal over time.
“We talk, but it still feels tense.”
Without calm honesty and humility, conversations can create more blame instead of more safety.
Conflict in marriage is normal. The deeper question is whether you know how to repair it in a healthy way.
Conflict in marriage is not failure — it is part of being human
Every couple has disagreements. Even strong marriages experience hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and moments of tension.
A painful moment does not automatically mean the relationship is broken. What matters most is what happens next:
- Silence, pride, and blame — or
- Repair, honesty, and reconnection.
This is one of the most important shifts a couple can make: stop seeing conflict as proof of failure, and start seeing it as a chance to grow wiser together.
Why conflict happens
- A careless tone,
- A defensive response,
- A dismissive comment, or
- A misunderstood request can leave one spouse feeling alone. If those moments are ignored, they do not usually disappear. They settle deeper, quietly weakening warmth, closeness, and trust.
- Misunderstandings can feel bigger than they first appear.
- Unspoken hurt often turns into emotional withdrawal.
- Repair usually becomes harder the longer pain is left untouched.
Healthy ways to address conflict
The goal is not to speak perfectly. The goal is to protect closeness while telling the truth.
- Do not hide the hurt. What is buried often grows into bitterness.
- Do not bring it up at peak anger. Calm down first so your words can heal instead of inflame.
- Tell the truth kindly and directly. Honest communication helps a relationship feel safe again.
- Stay humble. Listening, admitting mistakes, and wanting to fix things builds reconnection.
- Resist pride and blame. They turn repair into a battle.
The 24-hour repair rule
When something hurts, do not explode and do not bury it. First calm down. Then, within a day, bring it up lovingly so that the relationship does not drift into emotional distance.
A gentle repair script
Can we talk it through so we feel close again?”
This kind of sentence reduces blame, names the pain clearly, and invites teamwork instead of defense.
Sometimes the strongest marriages learn to “just figure it out”
One simple piece of marriage wisdom says that when a conflict appears, couples should not let it become a permanent emotional wall. They should move toward clarity, honesty, forgiveness, and resolution.
Sometimes conflict lasts longer than it should. But when a couple finally sits down, tells the truth, discovers the deeper reason underneath the reaction, and chooses forgiveness, something powerful happens: love returns, and the relationship often feels stronger than before.
That is one of the hidden gifts of healthy conflict resolution. It does not merely end tension. It can move a marriage to a new level of trust.
You do not need a conflict-free marriage
You need a marriage where hurt can be named, heard, and healed. That is how emotional safety grows.
This lesson is one part of a deeply connected marriage
Conflict is only one piece of the larger picture. A strong marriage also needs consideration, empathy, intimacy, communication, forgiveness, romance, commitment, and family connection.
Build a marriage that knows how to come back together
Real peace is not the absence of conflict. It is the presence of love, humility, truth, and repair.
